Ok, so I’m finding in my human comforts I enjoy being adored to a certain extent, but too much adoration seems to also be a drain on my own space!
Having someone Gaze at me for lengths of time when invited, is pleasurable. On the other hand, when gazed at when I am wanting my own space is exhausting!
It feels as though a demand is being put on my energy and this repels me!
My search now is to be true to my feelings without being rude to another’s desire to gaze, but to still maintain my presence without the demand of a withdrawal of my energy being pulled upon…
The trick is to allow my purposing for any given moment to be voiced without apology and to be true to myself and how I wish these moments to be! No one else will get the benefit of meeting me, if I don’t also acknowledge myself for my energetic sensitivities…
Learning that I don’t have to be the way another desires is key in expressing my truth of presence! The universe I am co-creating desires nothing else more than for me to break free from the egg shells I’ve been walking on. Thinking this is the humble and a proper way of being has actually kept me tied into a belief system that is designed for sheep and not shepherds; mortals and not gods; people pleasing and not personal empowerment!
So over all the universe is calling me to be in acknowledgement of my self worth and that my feelings are my servants and service me they do, if I but listen and trust they will guide me into my highest integrity of fruitfulness!!!
I had a ceremony on April 3rd, 2016 to be joined with another for all eternity according to the guises of the spiritual tradition of the Lakota Sioux! We had invited the Chinoopa (Creation pipe) into our dance of Marriage.
What happened next over a month’s time was a smoking out of the issues from any and all hidden places of Consiousness… Like throwing tear gas, would drive people out of a building under attack!
Boy, did this work to see all fears manifested! We quickly found distrust and a frustration that made for incompatibility!
And this was the sad truth of it and the happy result as well, that saved us from years of suffering and trying to get the other to bend to our will that would alleviate said fears and make for a happy Marriage!
I said my final goodbyes to that Chapter last night. Funny thing, our Legal paperwork had never been signed by us… We had mailed it in minus our signatures! Which now in retrospect seems like our spirits knew this path was not in our highest good and was protecting us from further entanglement!
I am glad that the universe is looking out with new mercies everyday!
When this first began to manifest, I got into fear about how my Elders in my Clan will now look on me and what kind of Havoc would come spiritually due to walking against our Agreement of the pipe Ceremony…
Since My return to Washington after our Honeymoon / working an event together, I’ve found nothing but blessing upon blessing! I worked a spiritual Expo and found praise for my way of being.. Which was in total contrast to how my “ex-wife” felt about my energy and or my mode of operandi on most days of our interactions…
And the universe even brought me someone that could see my value on a romantic level. And with ease and natural flow no doubt!
I am glad for transforming spaces of heart and mind!
Today is a new day, life is ever saying hello from the unknown and inviting me in farther and further beyond the realm of fear timidity! Beholding a trust that doesnt need results to move forward upon the path! Meaning no need to check the ground beneath to make for sure footed-ness, but rather trusting that the universe is just as much involved in my favor as a father or mother would in teaching a child to walk…
I just figured out that I am the Illuminati! I’m not on the outside, I’m on the inside! And those that claim Illuminati that are seemingly in power are on the outside looking in! Unless they have already conquered the wicked self, which is the devil! But once this beast is conquered through being set free, he thanks you, as the genie might, coming out of the lamp! And becomes our most precious Adviser, showing us only ourselves that we still think is separate from God! God is either everything or nothing and both!’0)
The self that can be confused is not the self at all!
Realizing the God is everything or nothing brings us to one conclusion to swallow some hard truths about who we think we are and who we think we are not!
As long as I look at this world as a boot camp, only ignorance can bring happiness and all truth brings anger for knowing things are not right! But when I look beyond and see this world as a chrysalis, then I can grow my wings and become one with my Father!
I just figured out how to be successful! By “liking and sharing” posts on fb; watching endless hours of Netflix, cable; going to the movies, comparing myself to others; having the right faith, voting the same way as my peers or being into enough major sports; gossiping just enough to fit in, not working too hard, but just enough to stay with the herd! And if I do this enough over a 20 to 30 year period or longer if need be I’ll be aloud into the “club” and I’ll feel the same as all the rest of civilized society of which I’ve yearned a whole life time over!
Even so I’ve done some of these things really well! Like the “posting, liking and sharing” tons of movies and I do mean “tons!” I’ve tried the right western religion in “Jesus Name,” I’ve gossiped about those that think differently, I’ve tried to get into sports in times past so I could have a reason to be around others with something that excites them! And still after all this, I still feel on the outside looking in! And now I see, this is where I am to stand! And this my only success, not conforming well! Though I give it the good old American try… Watching yet another movie, posting yet another cool spiritual thought provoking video, doing no actual work to push ahead, but rather dreaming bigger than most, which keeps me comparing my dream to the nightmares I see others living. Which makes me better, right? If I won the lottery, you’d all see how cool my dreams really are and then, I would have arrived! But until that day, all I have is a bunch of words floating on visions of a better tomorrow, but no cash for the day to get there!!!
- Most of my life I have sensed that I am called to write! The best times of writing I’ve ever had was when I lived either on the road hitch hiking or living on the streets.
Now I have had some good stuff come to me when I was stationary, but the ground breaking, floor shaking, earth erupting, catastrophic Shit seems to come most when my life is falling apart!!!
I am 38 and the years have passed by with a feeling of failure for having not gone after my dreams full bore… You know like, how you hear about someone that starts from nothing and fights for their dreams and “they” make a movie about them! Well, that’s not my story.
I’m the Story of the great starter and the never finisher! I’ve had over a hundred killer ideas that, if in the hands of one of those great “finishers,” we’d all be rich or at least all my friends and I would be.
One of my favorite things through out my life is story telling! But not stories that are made up, but rather my psychedelic experiences as verbatim as possible! And or I love sharing my dreams too! Like what I’d do if money was no object! Or my actual sleeping dreams which have been pretty kick ass over the years…
But when it comes to doing regular life, holding down a job, working well with others, having money or keeping it rather I do horribly!
How can I break loose from this Shit?
And be who I see in my visions, finally standing apart from my prison of lies that hold me behind invisible walls: Made by the same builders as “The emperor’s new clothes.”
Which, as we know, do not exist!
Here sat this little boy digging and making holes with his hands and stepping in the holes with his bare feet after…
He looks over in the far part of the yard, which is right past the border of grass his Grandma doesn’t want him to play in cause it is out of view from the window Grandma sits near in her rocking chair, drinking her morning coffee.
As he’s looking, all of a sudden a rabbit shoots out and back into the wild herbs and berries that extend past the border of grass and go up as far as the line of trees That make up the edge of the forest!
Our little friend gets all excited and quickly drops to the ground to crawl over all Ninja like! Once he broke thru the opaque herbs and berries covering the dirt floor he saw the rabbit’s tail and tries reaching for him, “just as fast as the wind,” he thought in his own mind. “Darn it” he says, as he’s got almost his whole hand down a hole now grabbing for Mr. Rabbit! He manages to squeeze the rabbits foot and starts pulling it! Just like he use to do with the family cat! He heard a taring of flesh, ligament and bone.
Before he could even see the after math of his actions, he begins to shout, “No, No, No, I will not allow this! I love this rabbit!” Which of course he had no idea why he had just said that.. “I can’t put his leg back on,” he thinks to himself! He wishes he had the power of His people from all the stories His grandma and Grandpa told him…
Right then an Eagle flew over head shrieking out her song! The earth began to grumble benieth him and the clouds began to roll and gather thunder from the four winds rumbling in the back ground. Kinda like pop corn popping! As the preasure builds, the kernels blast open, shooting at the speed of light hitting the lid repeatedly as though a drum roll…
Right then, he almost has his hand pulled back out all the way, and “Boom” a strike of lightning hits his hand from the top side right thru the dirt! As he now goes to reveal his hand, he begins wondering why this Rabbit foot feels like a rock?
“What,” he says, as He is now pulling this item near his face to see. “What the…” As a blank stare of dumfoundment over takes him!
You have money you have belonging from before the sands of time. If you’re like the push let it lift lifting a higher understanding for everyone.
This was all an attempt to capture the words and phrases of the voice speaking in the background of the collective you!!!
It seems strange that trying to capture it verbatim is impossible