Most of my life I have not known the value of my actions or I would have changed up and did something about them…
It is just now at 40 years old that I have been peeping game on this front: It has been proving to yield some fruit. As of now, I access a principle of a type of hard work and a good hustle on most days… I fall apart, less, and less as I get honest with where I am, and where I want to go!
I find out that what I project, I Expect and protect to the death! Its identity becomes precious to me no matter the cost! I do embrace it as my “Security Blanket self!”
Sucking on “The Bah Bah,” so to speak, when it comes to making Big Boy type decisions, is the number one offender in stepping in my way on the course to freedom into greater realms.
Ok, so I’m finding in my human comforts I enjoy being adored to a certain extent, but too much adoration seems to also be a drain on my own space!
Having someone Gaze at me for lengths of time when invited, is pleasurable. On the other hand, when gazed at when I am wanting my own space is exhausting!
It feels as though a demand is being put on my energy and this repels me!
My search now is to be true to my feelings without being rude to another’s desire to gaze, but to still maintain my presence without the demand of a withdrawal of my energy being pulled upon…
The trick is to allow my purposing for any given moment to be voiced without apology and to be true to myself and how I wish these moments to be! No one else will get the benefit of meeting me, if I don’t also acknowledge myself for my energetic sensitivities…
Learning that I don’t have to be the way another desires is key in expressing my truth of presence! The universe I am co-creating desires nothing else more than for me to break free from the egg shells I’ve been walking on. Thinking this is the humble and a proper way of being has actually kept me tied into a belief system that is designed for sheep and not shepherds; mortals and not gods; people pleasing and not personal empowerment!
So over all the universe is calling me to be in acknowledgement of my self worth and that my feelings are my servants and service me they do, if I but listen and trust they will guide me into my highest integrity of fruitfulness!!!
Here and now is the only place to plant marrow to bone, flesh to tissue and still choose to be the earth, that simple! Be the molten Calderon of heat and fire held by the gentle firmness of the Planet’s clay, spinning into endless perfection, molded by grace and a dynasty of Bodhisattva-ness in the intergalactic tap root that is ever increasing the stance and posture of this ever evolving empire of love!
I just figured out that I am the Illuminati! I’m not on the outside, I’m on the inside! And those that claim Illuminati that are seemingly in power are on the outside looking in! Unless they have already conquered the wicked self, which is the devil! But once this beast is conquered through being set free, he thanks you, as the genie might, coming out of the lamp! And becomes our most precious Adviser, showing us only ourselves that we still think is separate from God! God is either everything or nothing and both!’0)
The self that can be confused is not the self at all!
Realizing the God is everything or nothing brings us to one conclusion to swallow some hard truths about who we think we are and who we think we are not!
As long as I look at this world as a boot camp, only ignorance can bring happiness and all truth brings anger for knowing things are not right! But when I look beyond and see this world as a chrysalis, then I can grow my wings and become one with my Father!
I just figured out how to be successful! By “liking and sharing” posts on fb; watching endless hours of Netflix, cable; going to the movies, comparing myself to others; having the right faith, voting the same way as my peers or being into enough major sports; gossiping just enough to fit in, not working too hard, but just enough to stay with the herd! And if I do this enough over a 20 to 30 year period or longer if need be I’ll be aloud into the “club” and I’ll feel the same as all the rest of civilized society of which I’ve yearned a whole life time over!
Even so I’ve done some of these things really well! Like the “posting, liking and sharing” tons of movies and I do mean “tons!” I’ve tried the right western religion in “Jesus Name,” I’ve gossiped about those that think differently, I’ve tried to get into sports in times past so I could have a reason to be around others with something that excites them! And still after all this, I still feel on the outside looking in! And now I see, this is where I am to stand! And this my only success, not conforming well! Though I give it the good old American try… Watching yet another movie, posting yet another cool spiritual thought provoking video, doing no actual work to push ahead, but rather dreaming bigger than most, which keeps me comparing my dream to the nightmares I see others living. Which makes me better, right? If I won the lottery, you’d all see how cool my dreams really are and then, I would have arrived! But until that day, all I have is a bunch of words floating on visions of a better tomorrow, but no cash for the day to get there!!!
- Most of my life I have sensed that I am called to write! The best times of writing I’ve ever had was when I lived either on the road hitch hiking or living on the streets.
Now I have had some good stuff come to me when I was stationary, but the ground breaking, floor shaking, earth erupting, catastrophic Shit seems to come most when my life is falling apart!!!
I am 38 and the years have passed by with a feeling of failure for having not gone after my dreams full bore… You know like, how you hear about someone that starts from nothing and fights for their dreams and “they” make a movie about them! Well, that’s not my story.
I’m the Story of the great starter and the never finisher! I’ve had over a hundred killer ideas that, if in the hands of one of those great “finishers,” we’d all be rich or at least all my friends and I would be.
One of my favorite things through out my life is story telling! But not stories that are made up, but rather my psychedelic experiences as verbatim as possible! And or I love sharing my dreams too! Like what I’d do if money was no object! Or my actual sleeping dreams which have been pretty kick ass over the years…
But when it comes to doing regular life, holding down a job, working well with others, having money or keeping it rather I do horribly!
How can I break loose from this Shit?
And be who I see in my visions, finally standing apart from my prison of lies that hold me behind invisible walls: Made by the same builders as “The emperor’s new clothes.”
Which, as we know, do not exist!